I've already written an blog today... Let's see how long it takes to upload it.
Tomorrow I'm going to try edit size-able videos for my other blog but let's see how that goes.
Recently
I'm getting fed up of my own style of writing. It's not that I don't
enjoy it... It's just I'm fraustrated with how the shops are doing and I miss the freedom being free ranged self employed tagged on. But on the
other hand, fuck it. I knew this would be a struggle from day one. Hell,
before day one. God said 'let there be light' and all that shit. If I
learned anything from leaving secondary school early, passing college on
the third(?) time of asking and all those years at drama school and
university, it's this.
Read a book.
Read books.
Read a goddamn bloodclaart book.
Read books, mother fucker. Read 'em.
Failing that, there's always a good blog or two to follow and read. (TMZ DOES NOT COUNT).
I've managed to ignore the lessons depression has been trying to teach me but my God am I paying for that now.
But
like 12 plus years of being in an educational institute, you are not
alone. There are professionals and professors to ask for help with
tricky questions, colleagues to hang out and swap pokemon cards with and
opposites of sex to get drunk with, have drunken sex with, sleep with
and then when you both wake up try to fuck them again in the shower. Or
maybe that last bit is just me.
However
I consider depression the drama/art training some people disregard an
made up lesson in life. Where has the rich kids fucked off to
happiness/law school with the daddy's money and married at 21 (Cunts.
Utter. Yippie. CUNTS).
So graduates from
any school of life can read this brillant post from Lifehacker's Eric Ravenscraft and either use it as help or as a bit of an idiot sheet for
understanding what some of us go through, every day.
I blog because something has come up and I have an opinion on it. All this week I have certainly had a chance to try write about something. Anything. Paul Walker's death dying a week after Brian Griffin getting ran over by a car? I felt. For both. And how aligned both their deaths are.
But not enough to write about it. For all we know Family Guy writers could had or are writing that Paul Walker ran over Brian and then crashed his car. I just feel life has a habit of poetically ironic. And artists see such irony which is why those on the outside mostly can't tell if art imitates life or if it's the other way round.
I'm an artist. Regardless of what anyone says. I know what's in my heart and soul when the fucking things work together for the greater good.
The greater good. #hotfuzz
Same thing with the passing of one of my idols, Nelson Mandela. In the sense of a feeling of emptiness. Not because I don't mourn his loss. In fact when I think about it I am extremely empty of emotions. Depression does that. I often find myself after work seeing what crumbs I can piece together to treat myself to feel something.
Right now I'm in bierkeller's around the world in 80 beers having a cheap drink and something to eat. Hoping I'll suddenly want to go out and meet old friends. Anxiety with the depression does that. But since I got here I've been worried if I smell or if people hate me for no reason.
No doubt mental illness is not to be taken lightly. But the treatment of such isn't easy. And in a strange irony those ill are playing Russian Roulette with their health and lives.
An un-id 20 'oldfag' from 4chan only known as Steven decided to take his own life. What makes his attempted death different from other somewhat high profile (non celeb) suicides is Steven wished to attempt to end his life in front of other 4chan users.
Steven referring to himself as a 'oldfag' refers to previous posters claiming their were also going to kill themselves or do similar worst acts only to be demanded by the 4Chan users to 'do it faget'. I'll admit, the meme 'do it faget' is funny. Along with the smiling face of a fictional character it can be funny used in some things. But I find the live streaming and the egging on of others (some users while Steven was seemlying dying was complaining of not being able to get a good view of his death due to the darkness) makes me believe if Steven was successful, that would of been the one thing he didn't fuck up.
I've been. Questioning yourself. Wondering if you are meant to be who you say you are. I find when these thoughts come a knocking, drink some water. Go out. If you want to do something you enjoy but are concerned you won't enjoy it, do it anyway. You might surprise yourself. The most important thing is to push yourself.
Understand, this society doesn't give a fuck about your well being. Your family probably does but you're be hard pushed to find someone who cares for your exclusively without return without money. If you can take the first steps towards feeling less in the need of hurting yourself when help does come around, it could make the process of breaking easier.
But Fuck it. I'm not a doctor or a psychologist. I'm just apart of the black herd.
My father ringing me back to let me know the bank has the problem and whenever things are cool again, he can get the green light to help me with things. The help I was going to use to promote this site, buy stock and pay a bill. I may have to wait a week for it. I'm annoyed at myself for such a small overlook... Overlooked. I often get annoyed at the little fuck-ups I do. I believe I've posted about being alone in a theatre softy sobbing because of a catalogue of small fuck-ups which meant I and my cast couldn't perform a self written play I worked on for months. It's a catalogue of small fuck-ups which meant I moved from Manchester to Creswell to Worksop and then living at my mum's for a quarter of 2012, the worst year of my life. But fuck-ups are like money; collect loose change and after awhile, you have a fortune. Of sorts. Or debts.
When you are alone due to hurt it's hard to tell why you WANT to be alone. Is it the asperger's, depression, anxiety or/AND you just can't be arsed- Oh fuck me, it's raining. Brilliant. I was trying to push myself to cheer up and have a meal for tea... Or if the weather stops arrangements.
But with me once the rain pours onto my life, no matter if it's a quick shower or a monsoon I feel it like it's the end of the world.
Society doesn't want to talk about us and our problems. Because they are worst things happening in the world or/and they are having too good a time to care.
Both of those ideas are bollocks.
One; no one will NEVER suffer like YOU are suffering because it's simple; NO ONE CAN FEEL FOR YOU. LITERALLY.
Yes there are hungry children in the world. Yes they are people dying of horrible deceases. But that is THEIR pain. No one can feel that pain for them. It is personal to them. Like the homeless I feel there is so much we can do to help and they can do to heal.
Hungry children in poor countries walk for miles on end JUST to get to school because they hope one day they can get a education and feed themselves and the loved ones they know. The horrible deceases I don't want to get into as I don't know much about it however I do people fight those illnesses. They don't just keal over and die. Some of the homeless people I see near my home... Some I want to help by giving them some kind of job to have food, shelter and to kick drug habits where as other homeless people I just want to punch them in the goddamn mouths. I personally hate it when I see people just give up.
But that's what I do. I give up on somethings and I hate it. I hated 2012 so I cut myself. Often. I hurt myself, hated myself but hated going to the extremes of self harming more.
I give up trying to find a perfect partner. A wife. That's not me. I don't believe in marriage, happy families or spending my life with someone for the rest of both of ours.
So I'm quite surprised to see Seth Adam Smith's post on marriage go viral on social networks. More so as I'm sure I saw a similar post where some kind of royalty got married and decided he disliked it after a year. Down in the dumps, I skim read the article and now I'm pretty sure: the whole family thing? Been there, done that and as much as I like my daughter's mum's family getting married to her and having ANYONE not just her mum as a extra mum... No thank you.
So I decided to check out the rest of his blog and to be honest I skim read a lot of it but I got the feeling he's from Mars and I'm from Planet Cunt, as in I couldn't find an article to sit down and read from digital cover to cover.
But then I saw he attempted suicide.
I can't find the blog mentioned on his video about him telling everyone he is about to kill himself but the whole video report bought back some memories, symptoms I have similar to and thoughts as to wonder if I actually did successfully end my life if people would give a shit or no.
I'm sharing this video with you all to let you know we can all survive the shower or the monsoon. We just need the strength to do so.
Although is he Mormon? Lindsey Stirling is Mormon, isn't she?
And she's smokin' fucking HAWT.
So Seth gets bonus points for that. And being named after a Street Fighter 4 character.
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