I haven't written in a month or two. Then again I don't think I've have got hard coming up to a month, either.
I think either my meds or depression are the reasons for both. Having no desire to mastabute. No desire to do things I enjoy equals no desire to write these blogs.
Which sucks as I love writing. It's the artist in me that wants to create. Shit I'd create everyday if I could. I probably still do create everyday but... It's so hard. More so when you are easily destracted out of your vibe by a shit phone. My phone stopped playing music and now totally crashed ruining this introduction. So fuck it. I might as well ignore the smooth transition I planned in my mind (As it's been forgotten) and get into these blog posts.
I am an actor. But I'm so much more than that. I have evolved into something that could be game changing. As mentioned my problem is focus, concentration and my illness. My Aspeger's I feel actually helps with creating work that normal people can't really begin to imagine or put together.
So it makes me so angry when people give up. Now I'm not a fan of the machine in the business... But I am an artist. I love my career. I watch, listen and read performing arts every day. In the hope I can find the answer to live the life I want but yet do the work I love.
Some people have just got IT. And not only does it get them work but it gets them more work. One thing I learned at drama school is hard work generates more work. However for some people that's not enough to put up with the trolls and the politics. It's not a super bad ending but I read this, related to it and wish everyone in this story luck with where ever they go next. Cliiiiiiiiick.
Ooooh dear God. I hope this is the last ever time I post an flame war blog post. Due to the irony differences we all have about all issues I fucking well doubt it.
Although I doubt I have to explain the reason why this blog is here and it's main protagonists.
I was looking for people who may fit into what this blog is about: people who do not fit in with every day social. Yet. Some will do but I for one ain't that bothered. Anyway I came across this tweet by trans queer porn star Chelsea Poe:
and also a lot of trans models do Id with the t word and its not problematic at all for them.
— Chelsea Poe (@ChelseaPoe666) June 17, 2014
I thought her avatar was hella cute so I followed. Scrolling though her tweets and checking out and checking out her Tumblr to try find more cute pictures of her I found kind of kick off that RuPaul started. What that was I don't really care. I'm watching the football and I don't watch to go down that rabbit hole. More so if it's about trans people and their rights. Why people can't be free to do what they want anyway is beyond me. Or maybe that is the problem. Too much freedom. See?! This is fucking why I didn't want to open this box!!
I have to be careful with this... I have an opinion on this... But in terms of gender roles, lesbians and/or transwomen I feel I'd be on egg shells whenever I mention where I stand. My humour is controversial and I just want everyone to be free to do what they want. But I'm sure others stand in the way (Of people doing what they want). Hell have no fury and all that.
So that's the whole war. I think this is... Stop it, Evan... I'm not posting my 2 pence on this!
The war continues with Chelsea, her fans, Lily and her fans posting points for and against on tumblr but I'm bored of this.
However it's interesting how some rules are argued for and against. Apparently more to that than this as Lily posts on her blog...
Update note. 23 of February, 2015. I continue to try and fight to a place I feel I deserve to be and Dean Fagan continues to be awesome. I'm trying to get him onto my podcast so here's hoping. I also comment on this year's Oscars. I feel I am no longer in love with the magic of the Hollywood machine. But I still believe in others trying to show their true colours and voice their voice in a tough place for individuality. Fight the good fight, people. Evan
I begin writing this 3rd of March, 2014.
This week has been big for my career path of performing arts. Just not only for the reasons you can think of.
Dean
Anthony Fagan starts his journey as a soap star in coronation Street.
Personally who he plays I don't know nor care. I'm not a fan of soap
operas. I feel there are responsible for an generation of gossip drama
queens hooked on reality TV and attempting to emulate such ridiculous
behavior and become z list celebrities.
What I am... Is a admirer of Dean's work.
I've
known Dean for 6 years. It's an urban legend that 3 per cent of post
grad performers 'don't make IT'. And I mean that I mean that in the
sense of the child like idea that everyone in this career path wants to
be rich and famous. Else what's the point? I know because not only have I
been brain washed by the system of old farting dying dinosaurs but
that's what outsiders think I want.
Understand: I
started as an actor for one reason. Revenge. Note my work has matured
and Dean is one of the reasons why my work has.
I
think to training at Salford Uni, I was never in a social circle but on
the outskirts of them all. I can think of a short list of people I
loved personally, people I love working with and an even shorter list of
people who fit into both categories. Dean was one of them. Between us
there's always been an professional mixture of respect, chemistry and
genuine friendship. Even though I will not be watching I wish Dean the
best of luck at Salford queys.
You DO NOT want to know what was in that drink.
And nor do I when I think about it.
Maybe
one day Dean will be winning awards. Maybe I will. But I wouldn't go to
the award ceremony. It's not my style. I'm the type of guy that you
invite and I come and drink your booze and fuck your women. From what I
remember Dean is a work horse. I've been out drinking getting wankered
and remember him either working DJ or getting a early night because he's
working on something the next day. Reminds me of Dame Helen Mirren. Who
also no showed at the oscars. Where the fuck was I going with that point? I think I should just say this is my list of Black Sheep Oscar winners.
Now some of these are the films themselves, some are the characters. Some are the actors. I didn't want to work with too big a list. I didn't want to prolong your patience. But what I DID what you- NEED you to see is belief and passion in what you love will take you to some amazing places. And so will a good story and story tellers.
Let's begin.
Jennifer Lawerence - 2012 'Silver Linings Playbook'
Anxiety and Depression
Okay, before I get into talking about ANY OF THE FILMS OR ARTISTS I AM NOT EASILY IMPRESSED NOR SWAYED BY HOLLYWOOD MACHINE COCK SUCKERS. If a film or artist touches me, I'll admit. But most of the time... Not so much. Also I only watch the films where I can escape my own life.
I have to admit I saw the poster to this film and I didn't care much. And then I heard the main character Pat has depression... Or so I was told but I'm seeing it's bi-polar which of course is a form of depression... I thought, fuck it. I'll bare Bradley Cooper (Because everyone thinks he's good looking but I am jealous of him, the attention and hate him. He reminds me of that modded picture of a baby that looks like a troll. I'm more an Christian Bale kinda guy in terms of attention and acting) and check out the trailer. I have to say I was surprised how curious it got me about the story. Not the film. Although doing my research I could still turn and watch the film. But I feel I may like the book more.
On a side note from what I saw I feel the two are very much on the outskirts of 'normal people' and 'normal friendshipships'. From the clips I saw you could be forgiven to think that these two apart from being utterly fucked up and having a tough time in life have nothing in common. Also I hear the words 'crazy' and words like it thrown around alot. I'm guessing stressing the how we use words in normal conversation in seemingly modain situations. Like 'I'm going to eat you all up' or '[that person] will kill you if they find out', and so on.
Tiffany's condition however isn't named in the film. But she does mention being extremely depressed and also using sex to self med. Dr Steven Schlozman, an Harvard Pyschotherapist in his interview for Vulture goes into better details better than I can. Told y'all niggas; I ain't no shrink, yo. I almost had to google that word to check how it's spelled.
"It's hard not to see that character and wonder a little about borderline personality disorder for her.
So she's had a significant response to a pretty awful trauma, the death
of her husband. But she wasn't doing well even before then, because we
know she said, "Look, I can barely take care of myself." And we don't
know whether those medications she talked about being on actually
predated or came after that trauma.
We can make the assumption that
there's depression, because someone put her on Effexor, which is an
antidepressant. But you can have both: You can have depression and
borderline personality disorder.
I think her life's more complicated than she's leading on. So she's not
out of the woods yet. I'd actually worry a little bit more about her
than about him."
First EVER Gay US Politician to be elected to major office
I dunno if I've told you... But I LOVE my gay friends. All of LGBT community. Really I do.
They are the most honest, the most loving, supportive, kindest friends I know. Their honest frightens me a little due to my anxiety mixed with paranoia but that's just me. Why anyone would want to hurt anyone because of who they love makes me physically angry. 2014 and we STILL have gay pride marches. WHY?! Why do we need to march to be proud of who we are? The same reason I don't get Black History month. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we have it however it's so terrible we still have people trying to shut out and restrict those who have the strength and pride to do something society is not used to. This blog in a way is me saluting you, my fellow black sheep. My fellow degenerates.
Again, I've not seen this film but the research I did made me smile from ear to ear. I know what it's like (not to the point where people threaten my life like they did with Harvey Milk) to be told to stand down from my beliefs... Waaaaaaaaaaay past before I told people I'm a brony. But Harvey Milk in my mind was the first white guy to do so under extreme prejudice. My first introduction to anarchy to the normal system was Malcolm X. Both were assassination before their time but their message forever lives in men and women like me. I wear those colours proudly.
Admittedly I'm going into this one a little blind.
Finding enough writing about this film is tough I think it's one of those you need to watch but personally it's not my type of film. So I think? I dunno.
I'm a slightly swayed thanks to Woody Allen in the chair... But I'm still working through episodes of Breaking Bad, 24 and Battlestar Galactica.
I don't think Maria's illness is discussed or the non-monogamous nature of the relationships the cast engage with each other.
Maria's 'best' bits. May not work in your country.
However I must say Cruz in that gun scene rings with me. Thinking you are going so crazy that you are a danger to yourself and others. Like your mind is going to explode and the only way to cure it is to end it all. I've been there. And sadly I may go there again in later life. I'm the type of person that believes mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety never leave your mind... They just change size within you during good times and bad.
Philip Seymour Hoffman
Struggled with drug addition
Arguably one of the greatest actors of our generation.
I almost feel like saying 'nuff said' but of course there's more. There's always more when you are fighting personal demons in your own life.
"In a 2006 interview with 60 Minutes, Hoffman revealed that he suffered from drug and alcohol abuse during his time at New York University, saying that he had used "anything I could get my hands on. I liked it all."[139] Following his graduation in 1989, he entered a drug rehabilitation program at age 22, remaining sober for 23 years until relapsing with prescription medications in 2012. He began using heroin again in 2013, and admitted himself to drug rehabilitation for approximately 10 days in May of that year."
It seemed Philip battled these demons alone as his personal life was well kept secret from the public eye.
Here's one on my all time FAVOURITE PSH scenes.
This is Mission Impossible 3. For me he's just PERFECT in this scene. Playing the main villian in this film I'm sure made a lot of people raise eyebrows but... PSH? NAILED IT.
In 2005 PSH won an Oscar for Best Actor For Capote.
Hilary Swank - 'Boys Don't Cry'
Transgender
This film's end-game* is so fucking heart breaking it almost deduces me to tears EVERY TIME I see it. I don't understand how easy it is to hate rather than love. I'm forcing myself to remember the scene in order to r- No, fuck it. Just watch the goddamn film and prep to get your heart broken. One of the few times a scene so brutal makes me shudder.
If you don't know it's the true story of the life and times of Brandon Teena, a transgender male and his girlfriend. And his 'friends'.
In a side note during research I read that Kimberly Peirce was in the chair for the Carrie remake. Remembering this film I'm surprised it didn't do too well at the Box Office.
*End-Game is Evan-ish for when an film's main plot reaches an ultimatium. THIS IS NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE END OF THE FILM.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Shine - Geoffrey Rush (Mental breakdown)
Rain Man - Dustin Hoffman (Autistic)
You know what I love about my career? I can be me times ten.
I can be anyone a piece of text/director/casting staff tells me I am. And if they don't thanks to social media video networks I still can create my own work and put it on a platform where people are willing to invest time and sometimes money to see my work and views. For me, effort, hard work and the COURAGE to work in performing arts is needed to survive. The WORST you can do is go through the motions of the emotions which is needed. As far as I can tell you, Dean has all three. That's why that son of a bitch better buy me a mother fucking drink for being all up on his dick mentioning him in this post. Yo.
Mine and Dean's careers are not the only thing that needs courage. To be polyamours. To be a brony. To gay, bi, asexual. To be vegan, straight-edged. To be YOU takes courage. If you left your house today... Congratulation. You as YOU have shown the courage that these characters and actors have shown in their roles, work, lives. I have days where my sub wants to come round and I shit myself (not literally, you silly bitch) and either make excuses... Or I can tell her to come over for cuddles and giggity, giggity goo. That takes courage. On her part as well. She knows I'm poly depressed brony. She could run for miles. But she stays and chooses to love me. One person added me on Steam, saw I had Rainbow Dash as my avatar and not only deleted me but also blocked me.
The line from the new Robocop reboot is getting tran-scripted: after all these great films, characters and stories... Why are we STILL SO Different-fobic?
And I ask in this day and age, can being different... Living life in ways that others do not live... Is that so wrong? Must autistic children be threatened with violence because they scream in the streets "like retards"? Must transgender people be beaten up or worst, murdered?
Must Muslim people have their lives and ways of worship challenged because it causes public destress? Must [insert people's problems with breast feeding in public. Boobs. I like boobs] booby boobs?
Sadly until the fear of different goes away we all are stuck with this shit. Thankfully sometimes story telling and tellers give us a glimmer of hope of what is to time.
Russell Crowe said it best; [Us, the actors] are just gypsy moving from place to place telling our stories.
To those who wish to be inspired... I say... Dream on, black sheep. Dream on and work well and have courage in your hearts.
It's 25 to five. I don't normally drink this early.
I dunno, I've just been on a downer all day. I feel like people are ignoring me and ironically I don't want to rally talk about it. It's only a half but I already feel like I wanna get wankered this weekend. I turned 18 the year 2k in a lad mag culture of getting drunk, making a tit of yourself and pulling 'birds' left, right and centre. Also is nerd weekend where my beloved my little pony friendship is magic returns and the TV showing of the new Doctor Who which not only celebrates the show' s 50th birthday but also I believe the first time there will be two doctors, David Tennard and the most recent doctor, Matt Smith.
A deadly cocktail for an excuse to forgot your ambitions.
Even now I'm thinking of I drank a bit more, I'd get courage to talk to a girl, not because I fancy her, because I think I've met her before.
But today I'm a nervous fucking wreck. The irony is fucking hilarious. I think to live the life I lead.. you need balls of steel as well as acceptance. The power to walk strongly and know who you are and to be unapologetic about it. I consider myself this neo gentleman bad man. My beliefs have bent in order to adjust to my new way of life: a polyamorous free range aspie guy.
There are others like me but with a stronger following. An American blog which hopes for the 'return of the hetrosexual masculine men' is getting alot of press of late... but I will not name it here, as I consider myself hetrosexual masculine men... Who is comfortable with who I am. Yes I have played as a bi and yes I am trans-friendly but I am attractive to WOMEN, FULL STOP. In any shape or form. It is the emotional connection I am after rather than the pure sex appeal. JUST sex can be boring, I find.
THIS blog from it's about page reads the following:
The blog is "meant for a small but vocal collection of men in America today who believe men should be masculine and women should be feminine.
1. Men and women are genetically different, both physically and mentally. Sex roles evolved in all mammals. Humans are not exempt.
2. Women are sluts if they sleep around, but men are not. This fact is due to the biological differences between men and women.
3. Men will opt out of monogamy and reproduction if there are no incentives to engage in them.
4. Past traditions and rituals that evolved alongside humanity served a net benefit to the family unit.
5. Testosterone is the biological cause for masculinity. Environmental changes that reduce the hormone’s concentration in men will cause them to be weaker and more feminine.
6. A woman’s value is mainly determined by her fertility and beauty. A man’s value is mainly determined by his resources, intellect, and character.
7. Elimination of traditional gender roles and the promotion of unlimited mating choice in women unleashes their promiscuity and other negative behaviors that block family formation.
8. Socialism, feminism, and cultural Marxism cause societies to decline because they destroy the family unit, decrease the fertility rate, and require large entitlements that impoverish the state."
Oh, and by the way:
"Women and homosexuals are prohibited from commenting here. They will be immediately banned."
Ugh. This writing is becoming my Everest. It's now early Tuesday morning and I have so much to articulate with this posting.
The point is this blog similar to this blog speaks to a very small group of people.
I first started writing this blog with a vague idea of what it is. Now I'm a little clearly; it's a lifestyle blog where the writing is about general subjects but aimed at people with mental illnesses who don't mind a bit of blue language. The sub-groups within that area are welcome here. I wanted to aim for my own type of people such as bronies, polyamorous and asperger's people but that's just me.
And by the way, I'm still on a downer. Droggy. Anti-social. Pushing people away. But at least I know who I am; neo-masculine red blooded man. I'd like to prepare myself to the above mentioned blog.
Men and women are genetically different, both physically and mentally. Sex roles evolved in all mammals. Humans are not exempt.
I'd break that sentence up so the back is front and the front is back. Not sure why I would do that as I agree with the sex roles bit. To a point.
And to a point the genetically different bit. But I like to think there's an element of belief that they are unable to fathom that women are capable of being profitable in male dominated fields and to add touches to possibly surpass the men. I think NLF (National Football League) for the men, I think LFL (Legends Football League) for the women. I think MMA male fighter Anderson Silva, I think Ronda Rousey.
The sex roles comment is interesting on so many levels. Not only on kinky BDSM forms but also the acceptance of trans-gender men and women. We are still evolving as humans. And I'm all for it as a masculine. As mentioned before I've never had a trans-gender girlfriend but I'm eager to do so. I do not consider myself gay or even bisexual. I do feel that... Maybe they will be just as or more forgiving and accepting of me as a red blooded weirdo (aspie poly brony). The female figure for me is important but I find myself liking a bit of toyboy in my ladies. Or submissive in their feminism. Which goes with the whole animal thing earlier; the need to breed and somewhat conquer everything the animal sees. Getting ahead of myself.
Women are sluts if they sleep around, but men are not. This fact is due to the biological differences between men and women.
Is it so hard to reckonize women can be as poly as the males? However I feel poly people in general are frowd upon in modern society. I think most people see swingers as poly but that is not the case. And can be such as thing as male sluts. No, really there can. I could go into the slut being used for non-mono relationships other than poly but frankly that's a can of worms I do not. Want to. FUCKING OPEN.
Plus I'm not a fucking scienist. Hence me suddenly fucking remembering the word 'fuck' is in the fucking English dictionary. I can only tell you what I believe. And I believe the blog mention is WRONG in it's beliefs. But bully for them and their supporters for existing. But it's like when I see a nigga being arrested for a violent crime; I'm a sterotyped minority. Things like these do not help my cause trying to convince other causes are we not all bad.
The reproduction comment to me is more a fantasy than a need to continue breeding because I can. I have one daughter I love to bits and I struggle enough just to keep her happy. So why fantasize about breeding other women?
Since the beginning of time men seemlying are put on earth to do reproduce with females and dominate their land. Nowadays we see more and more female soldiers fighting for their beliefs so again the gender roles are slowly melting into each other or swapping.
Maybe this is the reason why I hate other people's kids.
It seems as soon as we can talk we have this image of what the world expects us to be. They tell us we can be anyone we want to be... And then when we tell them we want to play with the opposite sex's toys or god forbid change our gender, they tell us what can do that. Another reason why blogs like mine are important. Do what you want, regardless if I or anyone else approves. Do what makes you happy.
I'm a fucking unicorn that likes wine. And cocaine.
Next.
In fact I'm going to lastly cover:
A woman’s value is mainly determined by her fertility and beauty. A man’s value is mainly determined by his resources, intellect, and character.
As I've pissed and moaned at these guys since Thursday-Wednesday. I've checked my youtube history.
And also I'm going round in circles.
Another week gone and I'm giving up writing this. I think I'm generally just fed up of what life tells me to be. I dunno about how you guys feel about this.
Well, here we are again. The down from the high yesterday. Person now which I'll go in to deeper details in the other blog, I'm closing in on being self employed and living the non conformist life style. This of course comes with huge costs and did advantages as well as its strengths. It comes with the territory of non conformity. Being an polyamorous straight self employed asperger's syndrome black brony, I've writing my own destiny, for now. It may last for a few years, it may last three great of my life. One thing is for sure, the way of life society expects me to live, I'm done with. And I'm so far happy with my decision. Darren young, another young black man also happy with his decision to public announce he is gay has automatically made him my new hero. Allow me to repeat this: I PROUDLY SUPPORT GAY AND TRANSSEXUAL RIGHTS. ANY SEXUAL TERMS OR INSULTS WE BANTER OR USED AS EMPTY INSULTS NOT DIRECTLY AIMED O INSULT EITHER COMMUNITIES. The sudden rise of gay athletes is amazing and an sign of an bright future I am excited to be a part. However, I found this morning and over the past few weeks that even though as person I do accept others I do often find myself trapped in automatic closed minded-ness. L Let's talk in 'rasstling' kayabe sense. Darren Young before his historic announcement was an HEEL, an wrestling bad guy so to speak. He comes out and turns almost instantly face. Admittedly I have an issue with this. Although I'm not sure why. Two years ago CM PUNK then heel did an extremely honest shoot (monologue, if you will) about the state of the WWE and how it treats every other wrestler apart from its golden goose, former WWE champion, John Cena. CM Punk is quoted in saying he would like to believe 'the company would be better once (wwe chairman Vince McMann) is dead but then it be taken over by his stupid daughter and his son in law, (part time but once full time legend Triple H). He was automatically fired. Later we found out it was a 'work' (working of an angle. A part of the story telling. Normally for an wrestling feud) but the statement in my mind has always been clear: speak out against the system And the system will destroy you. Ask DMX or YouTube search his poem about 'The industry'. Also Google where DMX is now. What Darren young did was amazing, no doubt. But my fear is somewhere, someone at titan towers... Doesn't like it. Maybe they don't like it to the point where Darren disappears off our screens for awhile. The wrestling industry is notoriously traditional in it's way of thinking or life. Th chairman Vince is well known for being bias against smaller fatter wrestlers in favour of Greek mythology like bodies. Sexuality in the past has rarely been mentioned although gay wrestlers in the past have been afraid to voice their beliefs. Until now. Darren spoke about now being the right time. But why then off an airplane, no press conference and seemingly unscripted? An rebellious work? Doubtful. I personally can't help but feel Russia 2014 winter Olympics plays a roll. Darren is (I believe) the third sports athlete to come out this year. Jason Collins and Robbie Rogers are the others. There of course seems to be a lot of people not wanting the winter olympics to happen at all. Although I am not one of them. I personally would like to see this MOTIVATE the gay and trans athletes in to winning more and pushing themselves more to the limit than ever. I have been deeply sadden by the aggression Russia has shown to the GBLT community. The the hight of my sadness being Anton Krasovsky, an respected Russia News Anchor coming out LIVE on TV and intermediately being fired. An career, gone. Because of his right to be free. I, find myself running into bigots often. Getting hate mail about my views on gay and tran people, questioning my own sexuality. I tend to throw a small bit of resistance up, repeat that I am an straight male 'despite' being tran-friendly and then annoy the hate and block if need be. Even as a brony, I often run into hateful people.
You would think that would be the point. Everyone coming together to fight a good fight for an good cause. But no. It's not cool to talk about ponies. Ever. Yet it's fine to thumbs up the actions of the idiots on Geordie/Jersey Shores and other trash TV. God knows I try to be pony like but some people in the world make it extremely hard for me to stay so. Sadly I confess to counter trolling to trolling of my own. The trolls say one of my good friends have lips like 'an tranny' and how much they wanna fuck her (real smooth calling her an tranny, btw. Again, I support trans but I know what the implement was) I'd half say this is illness based but then again if I was ill I'd like to think I'd still do the same or intelligently counter. My fear with Darren Young is the WWE catapult him to heights he may not be able to cope with. With all due respect to Darren, I don't see him as an upper card. I'm not sure he does, either. Him being happy I took as an general comment and being apart of the Prime Time Players stable for over 3 years the evidence would suggest that. I hope WWE use Darren how he was treated before and not try to use his sexuality as an angle or an way to heighten his career if he is not comfortable in that situation. Because at the end of the day if we CANNOT accept bronies, the future for GLBT community, racial, religious and people afraid to be themselves are probably not safe either. It's an fucking shame we live in the 21st century and we still have to fight for our right to be free to express ourselves the way we wish to.
Posts
