People with Asperger's Syndrome May Experience Depression Differently

I believe this as well. But I believe depressed aspies can have different experiences. As I feel other depressed people have different experiences of their depression. I wish we accept one size fits all for everything in the world. Click here to read the article.

Why She (And Possibly You And I) Need Fitness To Fight Depression

The Struggle is real. More so for those with mental health issues. Triple so those who are aspies.

But there are things you can do to fight things like social anxiety, bad aspie traits and mental illness bad days.
Exercise.
It's one of the few FREE first aid kits you have access to. You could do it right now. As I could go in the kitchen and eat. I'm really struggling to eat regularly. But of course if it was all that easy, this blog wouldn't exist and nor would this post.
Read Amy from StrongInsideOut story in an interview she did with mindbodygreen below.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-20323/why-i-need-fitness-to-fight-depression.html



We all have shitty days. What exercises do you do in order to fight back?

BODY TRANSFORMATION: Eating Disorder - Binging - IIFYM

Hey guys... Evan, here., here.

Been quiet as back on sick leave pay. Really been thinking about where this channel goes from previous posts.

I feel it's important for me to post blogs as original pieces for you guys but on the flip side of that to link to people who could inspire you... As they inspire me.

Youtube of late has been fucking up my video recommendations. Yes I like web cam dancing BUT NOT UNDER 18s!! So I started getting a lot of under age teen girl web cam dancing and tomfooley videos. Yuck. Also I'm about 2 years away from my own daughter becoming an teen makes me click that 'not interested' button the more needed.

So after awhile Youtube got the message; I like confident young girls dancing or doing something active but don't take the piss. I hope you guys understand what I mean. I'ms till confused about 18-21 year olds... But that's another story.

So anyway, I came across Jazmine Garcia's channel saw her post about last night gym sess and feels. I became interested and clicked on her profile. First video I saw was this. I had it on in the background but Jazmine tells an amazing story starting from her young teens. Wearing braces, lost in the family (something I mention lightly on this week's podcast on my channel) and working out.

What for me makes Jazmine's story that more interesting is she talks about the DIFFERENT types of work outs in terms of a metal state, including different kinds of diets.

I shall keep my eye on Jazmine. I wanna see more videos I can relate to but I'll try catch her work out videos in the future. About to tweet her saying thanks for this little gem.



I hope you enjoy. Have a great day and remember, you are loved. We are The Aspie Sheep Brigade and we love you.

5 Lessons To LEARN From Depression (Guest Post)

 

 

I've already written an blog today... Let's see how long it takes to upload it.

Tomorrow I'm going to try edit size-able videos for my other blog but let's see how that goes.

Recently I'm getting fed up of my own style of writing. It's not that I don't enjoy it... It's just I'm fraustrated with how the shops are doing and I miss the freedom being free ranged self employed tagged on. But on the other hand, fuck it. I knew this would be a struggle from day one. Hell, before day one. God said 'let there be light' and all that shit. If I learned anything from leaving secondary school early, passing college on the third(?) time of asking and all those years at drama school and university, it's this.

Read a book.

Read books.

Read a goddamn bloodclaart book.

Read books, mother fucker. Read 'em.

Failing that, there's always a good blog or two to follow and read. (TMZ DOES NOT COUNT).

I've managed to ignore the lessons depression has been trying to teach me but my God am I paying for that now.

But like 12 plus years of being in an educational institute, you are not alone. There are professionals and professors to ask for help with tricky questions, colleagues to hang out and swap pokemon cards with and opposites of sex to get drunk with, have drunken sex with, sleep with and then when you both wake up try to fuck them again in the shower. Or maybe that last bit is just me.

However I consider depression the drama/art training some people disregard an made up lesson in life. Where has the rich kids fucked off to happiness/law school with the daddy's money and married at 21 (Cunts. Utter. Yippie. CUNTS).

So graduates from any school of life can read this brillant post from Lifehacker's Eric Ravenscraft and either use it as help or as a bit of an idiot sheet for understanding what some of us go through, every day.

The link... I'D CHECK DAT.

Five Lessons I Learned From Dealing with Depression

The Feisty Hairy Feminist Chats About Depression And Social Acceptance With Aspie Man

So a few weeks ago I spoke to one of my female modelling/cosplay actress friends. As respect for her she shall remain anon.

We were generally shooting the shit about things such as our struggles with being artists that happen to have mental illnesses. Then the conversation turned into this conversation about feminism, shaving and pop culture's obsession with perfection. I've asked her if this could be used to encourage and inspire other women and educate those against females who literally go through physical and mental pain just to be accepted by men and society.

 BSB = Me 

Anon = female friend

BSB: Who in society are you trying to impress? To be honest I like a woman with shaved legs but I wouldn't expect that everyday. Because yeah I like my girls feminine but I don't want her to feel she needs to impress me every day.

Anon: Some ladies see being with their partners as a excuse to not do anything pretty or feminine.
It just upsets me so much than in order to feel sexy and "presentable" to a guy for six hours I wind up feeling uncomfortable for a fortnight.
I came down to London to visit a bloke and shaved my legs on saturday morning. Last night he was having to raid his medicine cabinet for anaesthetic lotion because I'd scratched enough to draw blood.
Im sure I COULD cover up instead but when im still getting to know someone I dont yet feel comfortable saying "by the way, im a hairy girl. If you don't like that either dont take my stockings off or just dont shag me".
I know ultimately I probably will settle with a partner who loves me for my un pretty unfeminine self and subsequently I can indeed stop worrying but I still have needs in the meantime. And it hurts so much that I've got years of programming telling me im disgusting and ugly and need to go through this shit in order to feel worthy of affection.

BSB: Society telling me to do equally me being self employed. Nothing wrong thinking outside of the box.
Anywhere else you don't shave?

Anon: Anywhere else I'm SUPPOSED to??

BSB: That doesn't mean the vagina. I'm guessing arm pits?
The vagina isn't a big (no pun) deal for me because it reminds me of one of my first.

Anon: I have occasionally been asked to shave my bits but the pain after was vile. It felt like someone was sandpapering my clit for weeks after. Had to take antibiotics to fight infected sweat glands after a cyst developed. The fact that this is considered common practice or even "basic etiquette" makes me sick.
Underarms again I only shave if I have to but this summer I tried to be brave and bare them in their natural state.

BSB: That's understandable.
I remember you rt something about a woman shaving or lack of. This is something you seem passionate about.

Anon: It is. I was bullied for years for being "the hairy girl".
I was bullied too. Also for being different.

BSB: I actually hate being misunderstood as often as I am. It's the reason I quit Facebook.
Being different is always hard. Especially when conforming is presented as not only normal but also desireable.

Anon: All the popular media tells me not only that I SHOULD look a certain way but also that I shall FEEL better about myself if I do. Its a double edged sword. If I dont conform society tells me im a disgusting freak and if I DO my body tells me I'm a freak for not feeling all lovely and feminine for it the way all the other girls do. Women like me are castigated by everyone. We are unattractive, unhygenic even, politically dissident, lazy for not looking pretty for Teh Menz, rebellious or actively trying to repel men by being our naturally revolting selves. And if we point out how society tries to push us to conform then hordes of women crawl out of the woodwork to point out how they do it "for themselves" and "because they like it" and silence our experiences and suffering by telling us "nobody cares" what we do with our bodies.

My friend is touring as Amy Pond at Doctor Who Fan-cons.

 By the way, I mentioned this to someone else this week. Makes me angry (I saw it in an advert for an modelling reality TV show) when photographers call models fatties. You hired them. You booked them to be beautiful. Any women can be beautiful. Any women.

What do you think? Do you agree with her points?

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The 6 Top Songs To Cope or/and Explain Mental Illness (To People)

Depression and anxiety suck. If you have been following this blog for awhile you would realize this is something I personally have been struggling with for years. Even today getting out of bed is a struggle. I'm sat at my laptop hoping the earth will suck me into the ground and I know there are days where you feel similar if not the same.
Over this period I've found it hard to explain to people what kind of bullshit I have to put up with. And since music can alter moods and talk to or FOR you in my gloomy feelings I figure I would share my top tunes for coping, explaining or just to wallop in the darkness of these illnesses.
I also sometimes feel my asperger's is linked to these some of these songs. This is a general list and not to be seen as a countdown or up as in what songs I like the most, what dates, etc.

1.Idina Menzel - Let It Go

Frozen OST

This track and it's popularity seems to have picked up some steam in the past few weeks.
My feelings for why are: Didn't this get an Oscar nod? This soundtrack? No doubt it will be in the running for best animated film. And of course winter is coming to a close... *Dalek voice* THE SEASONS ARE REGENERATING!!  THE SEASONS ARE REGENERATING!!
The song itself reminds me of the days I liked musicals. Funnily enough the people that worked on this song have written for Avenue Q, The Book Of Mornon and an musical episode of South Park. I'm little surprised the team didn't work on Wicked as that's Miss Menzel's background but more on that later.
The song is basically what it says on the tin. An young woman with a curse/gift becomes queen, the people find out her curse/gift, go ape shit and chase her out of town. During this song she comes to realize her gift is precious (mmmmmyyyyyyy precioussssss... Don't lie. You WERE thinking it) and decides to say 'fuck it. This is my gift and I'm going to celebrate it.'

I know some of you will be upset I cursed but tough shit. I shoot from the hip and aim for the head. There's no filter between what I think, what I believe in and what I say. It's taken awhile to celebrate my curse/gift but it's here, it's NOT queer. DEAL WITH IT.
This song and what I wrote I highly recommend to add to your life. Don't hide things people don't understand. If you are 'fat and fabulous (I personally fucking hate that word, fabulous. Feels like I've lost man points just saying it), Celebrate that. If you are transgender, celebrate that. If you are a man and think you look hot in emo/goth make up... 
Listen. Don't hate the player. Hate the game. 

EMINEM - MONSTER (featuring Rihanna)

Marshall Matters LP 2 

You are AWESOME. Anyone who disagrees is a dickhead. 
NOW MOVE. 
ON.
Second time in 24 hours I've used that Top Boy reference and the second time I doubt anyone will get it.
Eminem is my favourite artist of all time. Because even those he's never admitted to having a mental illness, he seems to always write songs like he GETS what people go through. I'm eager to read an official self written book of his life and struggles.
This and 'Way I Am' perfectly shows off the point above in a pop style that crossed over *cheesy DJ voice* all the way to the number one spot here (The UK) and in the USA.

Celebrities Who Have Lived And Died Due To Being Different

Repeat after me; Pizza and booze ALL WEEKEND LONG... Is NOT my mother fucking friend.

After Friday's post all I've done this weekend is eat pizza and drink. I'm working the best I can with ebay listing, our store and my performing art blog. So the goal was a little self medication was deserved. Weirdly after Saturday's MLP episode I felt like... This 19' inch pizza is NOT going to be eaten in one day. I write this on a Sunday and as of right now, my stomach acid is turning that pizza into... Actually, I don't actually know and I can't be bothered to google.
You could wiki it, if you wish. I can't be arsed.

Heath Ledger

I mention wiki because I'm a little pissed off no mention of Heath's anxiety (He was taking medication for which with an accidental cocktail of other drugs due to an painful injury lead to his death) but I feel people could be upset as I don't know much about Ledger's films apart from the most hyped pre-ultimate film he made; The Dark Knight.
Side note; I always find normal society's treatment of the death of a celebrity hilarious. At first there's much respect, time of thought, blah blah blah. However I find most final films of the deceased John Candy in Canadian Bacon or the film he actually died on filming, Wagons East. Or in this case The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus seemly ignored by critics and public like. In Ledger's case more seemingly weird considering it did okay at the Box Office.
I really hope the promo team for Paul Hunter's last film really puts the effect in into trying their best efforts to make Paul's last film a success. Providing it isn't shit. Sadly like Wagons East was.

Anna Nicole Smith

Admittedly I wasn't going to feature Anna. I was one of the many who thought she was a gold digging bitch. She might have been but that's for the forces higher than us to judge. Not us. 
I was looking for an article which was the inspiration for the post and during my google searches for the key words that could help me find it (doesn't help I've like an hour ago deleted my 4 week history) I came across ANS toxicology report on a celeb dirt sheet blog bollocks.
I fucking hate those celeb blogs. Reminds me of annoying old ladies spreading gossip over garden fences.
The drugs found in her body after her death were used to treat weight control problems, panic attacks and anxiety.
I think I'd like to read more of ANS and maybe revalue who she was. It's so easy to judge and hate. It's a lot harder to forgive and love.

Marshall Mathers (Aka Eminem)

Frankly, the reason why I know it's okay to be different. I've been a fan of Marshall since 1999. Singing along with the lyrics, making my own lyrics up about murdering people and generally scaring the shit out of friends by correctly acting out Randy's death scene starring me as Ghost face in Scream 2. By the way if Counter Strike has taught me anything it's people running away run FASTER than people running with knifes.
I'm just kidding about that last one.
Although I have dreamed about chasing half naked women with a BB gun in a park. A few times.
Needless to say I'm a bit of a 'Stan'. Covered in Chocolate.
From research I've looked at, Marshall hasn't stated he himself has a mental illness but a lot of his lyrics frankly sing to me as someone who does struggle.
Marshall however has confirmed he has been addicted to valium (used to treat anxiety, alcohol withdraw and others) and Xanax (treated for panic attacks and anxiety).

Ruby Wax

Other than having the best name in the WORLD (my daughter's name is Ruby and you opinion of better names is irrelevant), Ruby Wax has ninja-like been present all my life.
Seeing her as a Kid in the UK version of 'Who's Line Is It Anyway) and being a talented actress who was in shows like The Professionals AND joining The Royal Shakespeare Company, something I've always dreamed of doing... 
By the way? Rest in peace, Peter O' Toole...
And also doing a talk at a TED on mental illness. She also is a campaigner for mental illness awareness and an author on mental illness as well as graduated in master's degree in mindfulness based cognitive therapy and earned a postgraduate certificate in psychotherapy and counselling.
She is NOT a celebrity.
She IS a FUCKING LEGEND.
Ruby suffers from depression, bipolar and has a started a social network called black dog tribe. No relation. ;)

Dan Aykroyd

Speaking of legends, Dan Aykroyd.

Ghostbusters.

Dan's character summons the Marshmellow Man for the boys to fight.

The Blues Brothers.

One of my favourite films, Trading Places.

Dragnet. 

FUCKING DRAGNET!!

Another one of my favourites!! Why doesn't that film get MORE love?! It was fucking awesome!!

The list goes on.

And also rumoured to reprise role as 'Dickless' Raymond Stantz in Ghostbusters 3... Yawn... 

Frankly, I've heard that rumour all the way through my training as a actor. Along with the Goonies sequel.

We'll see.

Dan has Asperger's Symdrone (like me!) and tourettes.

Susan Boyle

I don't know much about her work but everytime I see her on TV (when off the rare times I DO watch), I think she's fucking awesome. The Peediepie before Peediepie started trending. 

Her first appearence on Britain's Got Talent on youtube has... Jesus fucking Christ. IS THAT EVEN A REAL NUMBER?! 

140,200,270 views

Fuck it. Lemmie try reading that shit. Over one hundred forty... No, wait... One hundred billion, forty million, two hundred million? Bollocks.

I'll just stick with easier numbers.

2 Grammy nominations.

Debut album debuting at number one.

Seven plus two is nine... Plus one... Equals ten time platinum albums just in the UK alone.

And never mind wild horses, a true dark horse that was told she would never make it. Would never been successful. Being put down by those at her BGT audition and everyone else who voted for who the fuck ever disappearing acts from that show.

And recently has been dianogsed as being an aspie girl! I say welcome!

These are just some examples of people in a high profile spotlight who still do what they did, entertain you. Inspire you. I tell people I'm coming back as an performing artists and I get yeah, yeah, yeah... My anxiety kicks in but I still believe if and when the right project comes along it will be hard for me to say no. It will be tricky for me to NOT leave the house. It will be impossible when the spotlights are on me or the curtain rises for me not to do the best I can.

You just have to believe in YOU. I can only lead you so far. YOU have to know despite these shitty illnesses we have or concerned our different way of thinking will scare others you can still achieve greatness.

I forgot to mention transgender artists like Lana Wachowski and Laura Jane Grace. Matrix is still one of my all time favourite films. And why shouldn't it be? 

By the way, I don't know Laura's work pre or post transformation in Against Me. Sorry! 

Frankly if your fans disabanded you because you show your true self, they clearly wasn't fans in the first place. I can't not think of Darren Young when writing that last sentence.

Stay classy, black sheep. 

:)

Have I missed anyone out? Comment below and share with us what celebrities also difficulties and diffentities like Asperger's, depression, bi-polar or other! 
And yes. diffentities is NOT a word.

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One Flat, One Man And His Black Dog Called Depression

Is it a good idea or a bad idea to blog when drunk?

Let me at first give a shout out to my supplier, patient customers and you, the reader.
Because frankly it's so hard to smile, socialize and have the energy to do anything. What I do have strength to do normally takes hours to exceute.
The video below feels to me more like a check list of my struggles with depression than JUST a story. I'm so glad the cover picture has more than just the dog and the lead character in the frame.
Understand: THIS is why the blog is born. To allow you to feel human when you feel less like it. To let you know you are NOT alone.
A facebook group and meetup Manchester group ARE coming.
If interested and if you haven't subscribed, I recommend that highly.
Just know, we are the black sheep brigade. Our guard dogs are black and called depression and we are NOT. ALONE.

Enjoy the video.

Russian Roulette: Why The Reddit Sucide Attempt Was Important To All Of Us

Guys, I don't blog for blogging sake.

I blog because something has come up and I have an opinion on it. All this week I have certainly had a chance to try write about something. Anything. Paul Walker's death dying a week after Brian Griffin getting ran over by a car? I felt. For both. And how aligned both their deaths are.

 But not enough to write about it.  For all we know Family Guy writers could had or are writing that Paul Walker ran over Brian and then crashed his car. I just feel life has a habit of poetically ironic. And artists see such irony which is why those on the outside mostly can't tell if art imitates life or if it's the other way round.

I'm an artist. Regardless of what anyone says. I know what's in my heart and soul when the fucking things work together for the greater good.

The greater good. #hotfuzz

Same thing with the passing of one of my idols, Nelson Mandela. In the sense of a feeling of emptiness. Not because I don't mourn his loss. In fact when I think about it I am extremely empty of emotions. Depression does that. I often find myself after work seeing what crumbs I can piece together to treat myself to feel something.

Right now I'm in bierkeller's around the world in 80 beers having a cheap drink and something to eat. Hoping I'll suddenly want to go out and meet old friends. Anxiety with the depression does that. But since I got here I've been worried if I smell or if people hate me for no reason.

No doubt mental illness is not to be taken lightly. But the treatment of such isn't easy. And in a strange irony those ill are playing Russian Roulette with their health and lives.

An un-id 20 'oldfag' from 4chan only known as Steven decided to take his own life. What makes his attempted death different from other somewhat high profile (non celeb) suicides is Steven wished to attempt to end his life in front of other 4chan users.

Steven referring to himself as a 'oldfag' refers to previous posters claiming their were also going to kill themselves or do similar worst acts only to be demanded by the 4Chan users to 'do it faget'.
I'll admit, the meme 'do it faget' is funny. Along with the smiling face of a fictional character it can be funny used in some things. But I find the live streaming and the egging on of others (some users while Steven was seemlying dying was complaining of not being able to get a good view of his death due to the darkness) makes me believe if Steven was successful, that would of been the one thing he didn't fuck up.

I've been. Questioning yourself. Wondering if you are meant to be who you say you are. I find when these thoughts come a knocking, drink some water. Go out. If you want to do something you enjoy but are concerned you won't enjoy it, do it anyway. You might surprise yourself. The most important thing is to push yourself.

Understand, this society doesn't give a fuck about your well being. Your family probably does but you're be hard pushed to find someone who cares for your exclusively without return without money. If you can take the first steps towards feeling less in the need of hurting yourself when help does come around, it could make the process of breaking easier.

But Fuck it. I'm not a doctor or a psychologist. I'm just apart of the black herd.

;)

The Man Who Attempted Suicide Shares Story Of Hope... And How I Relate To It

I sit in silence. Well, until my phone rang.

My father ringing me back to let me know the bank has the problem and whenever things are cool again, he can get the green light to help me with things. The help I was going to use to promote this site, buy stock and pay a bill. I may have to wait a week for it. I'm annoyed at myself for such a small overlook... Overlooked. I often get annoyed at the little fuck-ups I do. I believe I've posted about being alone in a theatre softy sobbing because of a catalogue of small fuck-ups which meant I and my cast couldn't perform a self written play I worked on for months. It's a catalogue of small fuck-ups which meant I moved from Manchester to Creswell to Worksop and then living at my mum's for a quarter of 2012, the worst year of my life. But fuck-ups are like money; collect loose change and after awhile, you have a fortune. Of sorts. Or debts. 

When you are alone due to hurt it's hard to tell why you WANT to be alone. Is it the asperger's, depression, anxiety or/AND you just can't be arsed- Oh fuck me, it's raining. Brilliant. I was trying to push myself to cheer up and have a meal for tea... Or if the weather stops arrangements.

But with me once the rain pours onto my life, no matter if it's a quick shower or a monsoon I feel it like it's the end of the world.

Society doesn't want to talk about us and our problems. Because they are worst things happening in the world or/and they are having too good a time to care.

Both of those ideas are bollocks.

One; no one will NEVER suffer like YOU are suffering because it's simple; NO ONE CAN FEEL FOR YOU. LITERALLY.

Yes there are hungry children in the world. Yes they are people dying of horrible deceases. But that is THEIR pain. No one can feel that pain for them. It is personal to them. Like the homeless I feel there is so much we can do to help and they can do to heal.

Hungry children in poor countries walk for miles on end JUST to get to school because they hope one day they can get a education and feed themselves and the loved ones they know. The horrible deceases I don't want to get into as I don't know much about it however I do people fight those illnesses. They don't just keal over and die. Some of the homeless people I see near my home... Some I want to help by giving them some kind of job to have food, shelter and to kick drug habits where as other homeless people I just want to punch them in the goddamn mouths. I personally hate it when I see people just give up.

But that's what I do. I give up on somethings and I hate it. I hated 2012 so I cut myself. Often. I hurt myself, hated myself but hated going to the extremes of self harming more.

I give up trying to find a perfect partner. A wife. That's not me. I don't believe in marriage, happy families or spending my life with someone for the rest of both of ours.

So I'm quite surprised to see Seth Adam Smith's post on marriage go viral on social networks. More so as I'm sure I saw a similar post where some kind of royalty got married and decided he disliked it after a year. Down in the dumps, I skim read the article and now I'm pretty sure: the whole family thing? Been there, done that and as much as I like my daughter's mum's family getting married to her and having ANYONE not just her mum as a extra mum... No thank you.

So I decided to check out the rest of his blog and to be honest I skim read a lot of it but I got the feeling he's from Mars and I'm from Planet Cunt, as in I couldn't find an article to sit down and read from digital cover to cover.

But then I saw he attempted suicide. 

I can't find the blog mentioned on his video about him telling everyone he is about to kill himself but the whole video report bought back some memories, symptoms I have similar to and thoughts as to wonder if I actually did successfully end my life if people would give a shit or no.

I'm sharing this video with you all to let you know we can all survive the shower or the monsoon. We just need the strength to do so.

Although is he Mormon? Lindsey Stirling is Mormon, isn't she?

And she's smokin' fucking HAWT.

 So Seth gets bonus points for that. And being named after a Street Fighter 4 character.

Check out his blog here! http://sethadamsmith.com 

Jesus Take The Wheel: Why Losing Everything Was A Blessing For An Depressed Male

I'm sat in Simple Bar in Northern Quarter eating sliders (I think that's what the Americans call it) and I'm fucking happy. A word I don't use often in this blog, nor it's predictor.

I've been writing blogs since training at drama school and normally writing isn't really meant to be feel good outlet. Normally, as I dip my burger into tomato sauce and forget my point briefly my writing has no direction other than I just hopes someone sends me a hug and loves me for who I am.
Of late, like last night Monday... I've been looking to take an new direction and style to make me as Jamie Foxx annoying put it 'current'. Personally I say I don't give a shit about being current but part of me wants to keep an audience rather than disappear into the abyss known as out of work actor.
So... The rebranding of this blog was needed for that and another reason... YOU.
You the reader clearly feel similar to how I feel. Alone. Uncared for by most, disrespected by others. Sometimes hoping you are the one who gets ran over, slips falls and then falls asleep in death. An freak that cannot be accepted for being different.
That's why this blog is called the black sheep brigade. It's no longer JUST about me, it's about us. As Tim Ferriss it, calling each other up NOT to be that 'fat guy in the BMW', rich in life but bored and depressed in character. Don't worry, Not going to get you to shout 'you are mad as hell and you're not going to take this anymore' but together we are going to add a majority accept we are an minority, TOGETHER. I love you for being different and I know you love me for giving less fucks than the average bear. So as my business plan is approved and I embark on this road of adventure I ask of you to believe in one thing when you read these blogs: In Fox... We trust.

As an arsenal fan I have not trusted the board or the manager. Even wanting both to leave. But after the marquee signing of midfield creative Ozil, spending nearly ten years paying for the debt by building up and selling or best players and currently being top of the premiership in an crucial year where (I believe) our biggest enemy's in Manchester United manager has retired and replaced now seems like the season to push for an higher glory. Maybe not the premiership but after waiting so long, I hope this is the year we do something we the fans will never forget. Something good for once.

Like these chips. Which are good but now cold due to my timing to work... Nah... This isn't work. Not in the normal sense. This is something else. Completely different from three years ago. I wish I could tell you it was three years to the day that I went to see which is now known to me as 'The Scottish Play' and my mum called me to tell me get stomach cancer is getting worse. As literary romantic as that sounds 1: I don't mark events like that, datewise and 2: I don't know what date that was anyway. When the emotional pain really kicked into 5th gear. I wonder if God had a plan then. I used to fancy Carrie Underwood until I found out she's an huge Christian. Of course being from an Christian family myself, nothing wrong with that but I still do the most sinful things that would make her blush, pray for me and then dump me. Put it this way: I don't believe in sex after marriage. Shit, nigga spent most my life from a single parent background, I don't believe in marriage, FULL STOP. Yeah death do us part is buyable but the whole love forever thing, naaaaah. During this time of 'undying love' for Underwood she released an single called 'Jesus Take The Wheel'. An number of other artists have released an single by the same name including one of my favourite rappers 'Noriega' going through his own rebranding of his own name. What he's changed it to, I've forgot. Jesus taking the wheel is a phrase that doesn't need much translation in meaning. I remember one pissed up new year's eve in Worksop when the London boys came to visit one of the mates (who had my best friend in the car with him) was telling us sat around pissed up and some drugged up out of our minds on cocaine how he and my mate were pissed up and drugged up out of their minds on cocaine were driving the car in an empty wet car park. Upon doing some kind of turn, he lost control of the car and him turning to my best mate taking his hands off the steering wheel and saying 'I've lost control'.
Sitting in an empty theatre having to cancel my directing debut and admitting I've lost control of most to all situations in my life was a bitter pill to swallow. I've always known since I started training that I am different, handsome and confident enough to be a game changer. But my problem was holding onto the steering wheel and trying to control the damage. Same thing after graduation and moving back to Worksop and trying to do work which was too high a jump at the time. Same thing I have been trying to do since moving back to Manchester and having to lose two father figures, my granddad and my step-dad in the space of two weeks.
I refused to let Jesus take the wheel. Even telling him to fuck off. Literally. After losing Fluttershy after her father was on his death bed, I felt cursed. This is the same year I lost 2 of my dads, that was the last straw. I spat my dummy out and declared myself atheist.
Fast forward to this morning, having an business plan in mind and an attack strategy in my mind, I parked my bike outside of my business meeting, got in the lift and surprised myself - I prayed. "Lord, what ever plan you have in store for me... I'll accept it. In Jesus name, amen." I finally think I've allowed Jesus to take the wheel. And so far the result is I am now officially self employed and I can sign off from Job Seekers from Thursday but I need to make deliveries and things to do so could use the money a-sap.

So I'm back as a Christian, letting Jesus take the wheel when things get out of my hands. I have my strength but God has vision of the future. If the store and blog fails, then it fails. But knowing I gave it my best shot, I could be able to accept that. Maybe rebrand.


So if you're down with God or not, I need you to trust me and the direction this blog and these companies (The Sindicate umbrella). And I'll trust you as much as I can. Trust. And whenever the other needs to take control of the BMW's steering, so be it.
But this is the start of an new journey. And I'm ready for it. Hope you are as well.